Thursday, March 1, 2012

A.J. Burnett in Master Bunter

If A.J. Burnett would have just waived his no trade clause to go to the Angels.


A.J. Burnett signed a 5-year, $82.5 million contract with the Yankees in 2009. But no matter how many neck tattos he got, Burnett could never live up to the New York expectations. The media and fans gave Burnett hell for not performing to the massive contract. Distraught, and seeking approval, it's rumored Burnett even donned a pointed mask and fought crime one winter in Gotham. Unfortunately, armed only with a fastball and curveball, he rarely hit his target.

After Yankees GM Brian Cashman swung a blockbuster trade for young stud pitcher Michael Pineda, the writing was on the wall for our protagonist. A.J. was going to be traded. The Angels offered chubby malcontent Bobby Abreu for Burnett and the Yankees urged the right hander to waive his no trade. It was to no avail.

Burnett's young bride, a Maryland native, is terrified of flying. And who can blame her with all these motherf*cking snakes on these motherf*cking planes. It was back to the drawing board for Cashman.

The only other suitor was the Pirates of Pittsburgh. Burnett would immediately become their best pitcher and perhaps a great trade chip if he pitched well in the National League. But a new obstacle would soon face A.J. For some archaic reason, in his new league, he'd have balls thrown at him too. Usually when the pitcher grabs a bat, there are two approaches. Flail wildly until you're sent back to the dugout or bunt.

On Thursday, Burnett would climb into the batting cage and begin his studies on the art of bunting. It went like this...



See, A.J. was no Master Bunter after all. He did make contact, that much is certain. Instead of hitting the ball into the ground, he took a different approach. Burnett sent that bunt screaming into his face. He'll need surgery for the broken orbital bone and is out indefinitely.

Is there a moral to this story? I'm glad you asked. Pitchers hitting is stupid. Designated Hitters for all leagues!

*One Burnett was injured during the writing of this post*

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Super Bowl Picks

Last year, Derwood was right on 19% of his picks and ate six bowls of chili and 17 brown things stuffed with cheese, both Henington family-uninvited-guest records.


National anthem: Forehead

Opening kick off: PPD

Over/under corn chips eaten (Southeast region of United States): 680,000

Bob Costas: Real name: Robby Costus

Best commercial: Debra & Dale's Public Restroom

Ken O'Brien: inactive

Playing the percentages:

"Pinning your ears back" - 22%
"Taken to the woodshed" - 31%
Run "between the tackles" - 77%
"Tighten up your bootstraps" - 4%
"Ball recognition" - 9%
"Bow your neck" - .3%
"Playing the field position game" - 62%
"Third and manageable" - .1%

MVP: N/A

Final score: Giants 27, Patriots 20

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Let's wrap up the college football season

With a nice list of football phrases I never want to hear again.


"Prepare your team to play under adverse conditions"
"Quick strike"
"Third and manageable"
"Field awareness"
"You've got to challenge your team's pride"
"Look at yourselves in the mirror and come out with some fight"
"That's body part awareness"
"He's a chain mover"
"He runs behind his pads"
"Assignment football"
"These teams don't like each other"
"There's no love lost"
"He figures prominently"
"Pull the ball down"
"Plus territory"
"Jumps the route"


[Phrases in BOLD: I don't have any idea what the phrase could possibly mean]

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

College Basketball Wednesday

Time for the MTD college hoops round up from a busy Wednesday.

Let's start in Charleston, where the host Cougars extended their home winning streak to 14 games with a 71-65 win over Tennessee.

* What's worse, the name Skylar McBee, or Skylar McBee's mustache?



* ESPN color commentator Adrian Branch's "refreshing" count: 5

He also provided viewers with the following two items:

1. (Heading into a media time out) "Hustle, bustle, zeal, zest, zip."

2. (On Tennessee struggling and calling a time out) "It's about the hustle...it's about the bustle...it's like 'where's my team'. And the pressure."

Branch then boarded his spaceship to the roof.


* It's taken years and cost us thousands of goldfish, but someone finally knows how to grade basketball I.Q., and it's ESPN's Jay Williams.

On the Florida International-Maryland broadcast, Williams handed out grades to Terps guard Terrell Stoglin.

Here was part of the graphic:

BASKETBALL I.Q.

Last year: C
This year: A-

Thanks, Jay.

* Staying with Williams, here's four things he said in a two-minute span:

"The game slows down for you"
"Cohesive unit"
"Full head of steam"
"A battle of attrition"

* More FIU-Maryland. ESPN play-by-play man Rob Stone just said FIU's Dominique Ferguson was wooed by programs like Duke and North Carolina, but "chose to come to Miami and play for Isiah Thomas".



* During the Baylor-Bethune Cookman game, FOX Sports Southwest's Greg Lucas dropped what folks in the south like to call "some knowledge":

"Bethune Cookman used to be a trade school, mainly for girls...then it was an all-black university. Now it's...(long, painful silence)...all-ethnic."

Bethune Cookman University: All-Ethnic Since Greg Lucas Has No Idea


Name of the Night

Jawanza Poland - South Florida junior guard

Made-Up Name I'd Like To See In The Next 10 Years

Z'Vontae Noodles

Monday, December 12, 2011

The MTD Guide to Bowl Season

College football's bowl season kicks off Saturday with the New Mexico Bowl, and finishes up right around Easter. The staff at MTD has you covered for all 34 bowls.


New Mexico - Wyoming vs. Temple

Temple has the 7th-best rushing offense in the nation, led by Bernard Pierce, who rushed for over 1,232 yards and 20 TD, (his 149 yards and five-TD performance against Maryland didn't count because of the new Maryland Rule™). Meanwhile, Wyoming's rush defense is sixth-worst (230 yards/game), though the Cowboys are 1-0 all-time in the New Mexico Bowl.

That might just about do it for actual statistics.

Famous Idaho Potato - Ohio vs. Utah State

I'm not sure Idaho potatoes are even famous anymore. It's time for us to find something else Idaho can do. Great bowl name, part 1: Utah State quarterback Chuckie Keeton.

New Orleans - Louisiana-Lafayette vs. San Diego State

Travel fact: terrible teams from California never do well when they have to fly across country and play equally-terrible teams.

Beef O'Brady's - Florida International vs. Marshall

Chili dog recipe

- 1 hot dog
- 1 hot dog bun
- Beans
- Ground beef
- Chili O'Clock™ hat

Put on hat. Make chili, preferably in a bath tub. Heat up hot dog, pour chili on top of hot dog. Serves one.

Poinsettia - TCU vs. Louisiana Tech

Hey, TCU: congratulations on a 10-win season that included a conference championship and a road win over No. 5 Boise State. Now, go play Louisiana Tech on a Wednesday in the Poinsettia Bowl.

Maaco - Boise State vs. Arizona State

Hey, Boise State: congratulations, you won 11 games, including beating Georgia, and were a one-point loss from going undefeated. Now, go play 6-6 Arizona State in the Maaco Bowl.

Hawaii - Southern Mississippi vs. Nevada

Southern Miss somehow lost to Marshall and UAB.

Great bowl name, part 2: Southern Miss defensive back Furious Bradley.

Independence - Missouri vs. North Carolina

How to get a cat down from a roof:

Climb up onto the roof and grab the thing before it runs away. While still holding the cat, get down from the roof.

Little Caesars - Western Michigan vs. Purdue

1. Marshall has played in the Little Caesars (formerly the Motor City) Bowl five times.
2. Marshall won the Caesars/Motor City three consecutive seasons (1998-2000)

Belk - Louisville vs. N.C. State

The Belk Bowl? Come on.

Military - Air Force vs. Toledo

This game would be a lot better if it was played on another day besides a Wednesday, at a time other than 4:30 in the afternoon, and if two other teams were playing in it.

Holiday - California vs. Texas

We said it back on October 13, but the Golden Bears have not been the same since the Presbyterian game, finishing 4-5 after a 3-0 start. Some people think Texas is worth watching because it has the less-talented brothers of the school's former star quarterback and wide receiver, but I've never met any of those people.

Champs Sports - Florida State vs. Notre Dame
Great bowl name, part 3: FSU lineman Sterling Lovelady.

Alamo - Baylor vs. Washington

I knew when Washington beat Eastern Washington back on September 3 that we'd be counting down the days until the Huskies played Baylor in the Alamo Bowl. I remember when we hit the magical 47 mark. Now, finally, that day is just 16 more days away.

Armed Forces - BYU vs. Tulsa

Poem

"Bank Robber"

The masked mandolin
tried to Ron a bank,
but forgot his gum
and was sent to gel for lice.

Pinstripe - Rutgers vs. Iowa State

Finally, college football fans get what they want: Rutgers and Iowa State. The winning coach gets to massage former Yankees' manager Stump Merrill's hemorrhoids.

Insight - Oklahoma vs. Iowa

Weave found



Meineke Car Care - Texas A&M vs. Northwestern

The only time Northwestern has won a postseason game was in the 1949 Rose Bowl. It's been eight consecutive losses since, including that famous 2003 Motor City Bowl loss to Bowling Green.

Sun - Georgia Tech vs. Utah

Tech's rushing attack (3rd in nation, 316 YPG) goes up against Utah's rushing defense (7th, 97 YPG).

The head coaches-Paul Johnson and Kyle Whittingham-putting their hands on some helmets.



95% chance someone just beefed.

Kraft Fight Hunger - UCLA vs. Illinois



Liberty - Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt

Vandy's coach from 1997-2001 was Woody Widenhofer. And people wonder why this program has only been to five bowl games in 108 years.

Peach Bowl - Virginia vs. Auburn

Great bowl name, part 4: Virginia defensive tackle Buddy Ruff.

TicketCity - Houston vs. Penn State

Celery Man, TicketCity Bowl publicity photo
[Photo aged three hours]



Capital One - South Carolina vs. Nebraska

So, you purchased your first mashed potato pit.

1. Congratulations
2. Jump in and have fun
3. But not too much fun (supper's at 6)

Gator - Ohio State vs. Florida

This match up would've been great in ANY OTHER SEASON.

Outback - Georgia vs. Michigan State

The reward for finishing as runners-up in the SEC and Big Ten: Tampa!

Wait, that didn't come out right.

Tampa&

Cotton - Arkansas vs. Kansas State

What's going on here?



Any ideas, please email thislady@embarrassmenttomyfamily.com

BBVA Compass - SMU vs. Pittsburgh

How to get a grandfather down from a roof:

Climb up onto the roof and grab the thing before it runs away. While still holding the grandfather, get down from the roof.

GoDaddy.com - Northern Illinois vs. Arkansas State

Great bowl name, part 5: Arkansas State coach Hugh Freeze.

Rose - Oregon vs. Wisconsin

Great bowl name, part 6: Oregon kicker Alejandro Maldonado.

Fiesta - Oklahoma State vs. Stanford

Could potentially be the best of the 83 bowl games as two great offenses go at it in Tempe. Winner gets one tortilla chip to split amongst the players, coaches and band members.

Sugar - Michigan vs. Virginia Tech

People think Virginia Tech being invited to the Sugar Bowl is the biggest travesty of the 2011 football season, but those people keep forgetting UCLA still has one more game to play.

Biggest travesties of the 2011 football season

1. The Kansas defense
2. UCLA playing in a bowl
3. Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl
4. Charles Davis on FOX's broadcast of the Big Ten championship game

Orange - Clemson vs. West Virginia

Clemson coach Dabo Swinney got to a BCS bowl in his third full season, setting the modern record for quickest a Dabo has gotten to a BCS bowl.

[Note: Dabo Derden, head coach of Feathers College took the Alawitzes to the Derwood Bowl in 1908.]

BCS Championship - LSU vs. Alabama

It's about time these two teams, and the Southeastern Conference as a whole, got some national attention. All year it was North Texas this and Western Kentucky that. I've had enough of this Sun Belt bias.

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Dorfmans Tucked Up Those Pajamas

Before Monday, the Oakland Golden Grizzlies were known for one thing: their head coach, Greg Kampe, who looks exactly like Kent Dorfman.



But that's all over with now. Just like Dorfman, who broke out of his shell at Faber and by the end of his freshman year he was yelling at Neidermeyer, Kampe's team broke out against Tennessee last season, winning 89-82 in Knoxville. Monday, the Dorfmans did it again. Behind NBA talent Reggie Hamilton, who scored 35 points and was a perfect, 15-of-15 from the free throw line (the team was 28-of-31), Oakland arrived wearing their pledge pins and knocked off the Vols again, 89-81.

Wins for the Summit League over SEC teams is good.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Mevs' Thanksgiving Day Picks

One of my favorite holidays is finally here, and I'm here to give you the picks you could certainly live without but just might stumble upon and find something that you like.

Thanksgiving is a time that everyone should sit back and recognize what they're appreciative of. It could be fairly simple or it could be something large. I realize this time of year every year despite all of the incessant bitching that I do, I have it pretty good. In fact, I wouldn't trade places with anyone in this world. At least not at this moment. Ask me on Monday when I have to go back to work and I'll most likely say I want to be the President or Tom Brady or someone else that doesn't have to beg, borrow, and steal for a living. But for right now, I'll be content to eat about four meals tomorrow, none of which I had to make myself and hopefully I get to see most of these three gems that we've got going tomorrow.

The first game of the day is the one I've had circled on my calendar all year. I've had a feeling about this one.

Green Bay at Detroit (+6)
I really like the Lions to shock the world in this one. I not only think they'll cover, but I think they'll find a way to score 7's on a few more possessions than the Packers will. I am loving Detroit this season, they are explosive and fun to watch. Their coach is a shit-stirring little mousey prick. Give me the Lions over the Pack 34-30 in a game that people will remember seeing on Turkey Day for a while.

Miami at Dallas (-7)
Can anyone tell me about this little Turkey Day history lesson:


The Dolphins might be 4-1 on Turkey Day, but Dallas is just playing too well right now. Demarco Murray is a stud, a future star in the NFL and they've finally realized that it's more effective to run the ball rather than swing pass you to death.

I'm all over the Cowboys in this one. Cowboys 27, Miami 9 right around the time you need to take a nap.

Onto our next match-up.


Green Bean Casserole (+4) vs. Broccoli Bake
Mom always made me green bean casserole, and I've been hooked my whole life. I'll miss it tomorrow. The in-laws make something called Broccoli Bake which is basically a few pieces of green vegetable buried inside some cheese.

Pumpkin Pie vs. Pumpkin Roll (+10)
Another underrated delight of this festivus. So you're telling me that I can get the whip cream and pumpkin flavor without even having to put in the work of applying the high calorie topping? Count me in, and cut me another piece.

Winter Warmer (-8) vs. Wine with dinner
I'm going to pick up some Harpoon and hope for the best.


Prime Rib (-14.5) vs. Ham
Why have I ever wasted my time with ham? Ham can suck a big one. It does nothing for you. It's often dry. It's honestly the ugly stepbrother of Canadian Bacon and I have to have it shoved in my face for all the big time holidays. Always hated when mom or grandma had a ham in the oven.

Small talk with your in-laws vs. Doing Black Friday in New York City (PUSH)
For the first time ever on MTD, I'm predicting a tie. That's because both of these are hideous and they're both going to occur for me in the next 48 hours! Forget me watching LSU and Arkansas on Friday and laying around with my hand down my pants like a slob. I'll be waking up at 6 am to head to New York City to just 'be part of it all' as my wife would say. No destination. No real plan. Certainly not enough money to buy anything in that elitist city. I'm just going to be 'part of it'. Terrific. You guys all enjoy the great NCAA games while I get crotch chafing from all the miles I walk and pay 8.00 for a water with lemon when I stop to rest my head.

But, like I said it's a push. I don't know why it's so hard for me to feel at home with my second family. My mother in law is great. I love her uncles. But there is always one guy who marries into the family that has to be a huge dick. I'm looking at you, Uncle John. That's right. Last year when you sat there and watched the Dallas game while I had to clean up, I was insanely jealous of you. You lazy, high school principle. Sorry we can't all have two weeks off this time of year. Don't move, I'll clean up your plate and soiled napkin while you continue to ignore me because my wife asked me to. Don't lift a finger.

There is one of these in every family I assume. At least one.

Finally, we have the Har-bowl.

San Francisco at Baltimore (-3.5)
Look, San Francisco's defense is nasty and all; but big brother is going to take the younger brother to school. And I'm sure at game's end the real storyline will be all about two brothers embracing at midfield and sharing in a Thanksgiving rendition of koombaya. This should be an absolute slugfest and I wish I had NFL Network to watch it. We'll go Ravens 17, 49ers 13.

I want to wish everyone who wanders here and reads MTD regularly a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Be thankful, if for nothing else; for another year. We're all fortunate in some way shape or form. And thanks to MTD the man to letting me have this terrific forum to go .500 on my picks each week. I've been promising you deliverance and tomorrow, we shock the world and dine on marshmellow beats! Fiyyyyyyah!