Man Robs Pretzel Shop, Disguises Himself As Sidney Crosby

You know, in all of my crime spree filled daydreams, robbing an Auntie Anne's pretzel shop in the middle of a mall never crossed my mind. That's probably because I'd like to believe that if I were ever to turn to a life of crime, I would be after bigger scores than a $40 drawer and a fist full of jalapeno pretzel nuggets. Perhaps that's not entirely fair, Buffalo might be the pretzel eating capitol of the northeast and this guy might have gotten away with, um, hundreds of dollars?

An armed man took an undetermined amount of cash from a pretzel shop in the Walden Galleria this morning before barricading a store employee in the office and apparently fleeing from the mall in a stolen Sidney Crosby hockey jersey, Cheektowaga police said.

snip

The worker eventually managed to force the door open and later learned that a Sidney Crosby Pittsburgh Penguins jersey was missing from a rack in another room of the store.

Okay, how big is this pretzel stand? It has multiple rooms and they sell hockey jerseys? What kind of a mall are you guys running up there? I think your pompous Auntie Anne's was asking to get robbed.

This counts as a hockey post? This counts as a hockey post.

[The Buffalo News]

NFL Mock Draft 2010 Series: Part 1

In my seemingly never ending quest to achieve new levels of laziness, I'm going to try outsourcing some projects to other writers. And I use that term in its loosest sense. Haha, just kidding, you guys keep writing for free. First up is MTD's NFL Mock Draft Series. I'll have a few different writers submitting mock ups as we approach the NFL Draft.

Today, Jason takes his first crack at the first round. I watched him do some fairly intense research while drinking half a bottle of Crown Royal.

1. St. Louis - Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
The Rams need a franchise quarterback and can't afford to pass on another one. Personally I have doubts about Bradford.

2. Detroit - Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
Schwartz starts improving the defense with a motivated-Haynesworth clone.

3. Tampa Bay - Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
They need everything but a quarterback. Period. BPA. BPA.

4. Washington - Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State
Hey, rebuild the line before you get any potential franchise QB killed, Snyder.

5. Kansas City - Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers
Moving B. Albert inside and adding Davis will help the $64 million mistake (AKA Matt Cassel). [Ed. And my little buddy Jamaal Charles, thanks again for getting me into the fantasy playoffs]

6. Seattle - Eric Berry, S, Tennessee
Great value pick with Berry slipping this far.

7. Cleveland - Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama
After just missing on Berry, this is the safest pick for a struggling defense.

8. Oakland - Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland
Geritol Al Davis [Ed. Or GeritAl Davis if you prefer] strikes again with the workout wonder, at least it's a position of need.

9. Buffalo - Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa
They also need to start shoring up the line before looking for a quarterback.

10. Jacksonville - Jason Pierce-Paul, DE, South Florida
Signing Kampman can't solve both of their defensive end positions.

11. Denver (Chi) - Dan Williams, NT, Tennessee
The best nose tackle in the draft should help Dumervil and company get even more pressure.

12. Miami - Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech
Perhaps a 3-4 OLB project, but a good prospect for Parcells.

13. San Francisco - Earl Thomas, S, Texas
They badly need safety help. Or secondary help in general.

14. Seattle (Den) - Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
Hasselbeck is good for one more year, at least. [Ed. Or, uh, one more year at best. He's spent more time on his back in the grass than your sister. And she loves the great outdoors.]

15. New York Giants - Brian Price, DT, UCLA
They could use more depth on the line which is a surprise considering 2007. [Ed. Also surprising, Michael Strahan's sitcom lasted 13 episodes. Proving, yet again, Fox will put anything on television.]

16. Tennessee - Joe Haden, CB, Florida
Titans desperately need someone to compliment Cortland Finnegan.

17. San Francisco (Car) - Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
They need a masher on the right side to help out Gore.

18. Pittsburgh - Mike Iupati, OG, Idaho
Rebuilding the offensive line would help the Steelers redefine their running game.

19. Atlanta - Carlos Dunlap, DE, Florida
The Jamaal Anderson mistake needs to be corrected. [Ed. I'm pretty sure the only way that mistake is getting corrected is with a Hot Tub Time Machine, coming to a theater near you on March 26. John Cusack owes me $5 for that plug.]

20. Houston - Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State
They will obviously need a replacement for Daunta Robinson now.

21. Cincinnati - Taylor Mays, S, USC
Roy Williams is not going to cut it as a backend to their defense.

22. New England - Sergio Kendle, DE/OLB, Texas
Great fit for Belichick's defense. [Ed. This is where I believe the Crown Royal started driving. Not only does the analysis get shorter but the spelling goes to shit. I really run a tight ship around here.]

23. Green Bay - Everson Griffen, DE/OLB, USC
Transfer to GB could be seemless and bookend for Clay Matthews. [Ed. Your guess is as good as mine.]

24. Philadelphia - Maurice Pouncey, C, Florida
Andy Reid always builds from the lines.

25. Baltimore - Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State
Great value pick, questionable character issues. [Ed. Hey, that's the hard hitting analysis I usually use around here.]

26. Arizona - Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
Great safety blanket for Leinart.

27. Dallas - Arrelious Benn, WR, Illinois
Roy Williams, the WR, is not a number one receiver.

28. San Diego - CJ Spiller, RB, Clemson
Great value and great replacement for LT.

29. New York Jets - Brandon Graham, DE/OLB, Michigan
Great edge rusher for Rex Ryan.

30. Minnesota - Devin McCourtry, CB, Rutgers
They need insurance for Griffin and Winfield is getting old.

31. Indianapolis - Jared Odrick, DT, Penn State
A quick DT for a smaller, faster defensive line.

32. New Orleans - Sean Weatherspoon, LB, Missouri
An aggressive linebacker to help with the loss of Fujita.

Torii Hunter Outs Black Baseball Player Impostors

In an article in the USA Today about the insufficient effort by Major League Baseball to develop black talent in the United States, Torii Hunter has some words about all of the fake African-Americans invading our national pastime. Before we get to that, I'd like to point out that Torii Hunter is one of the best ambassadors that MLB has and he does more for inner city baseball than probably anybody else but then he says this...

"People see dark faces out there, and the perception is that they're African American," Los Angeles Angels center fielder Torii Hunter says. "They're not us. They're impostors.

"Even people I know come up and say, 'Hey, what color is Vladimir Guerrero? Is he a black player?' I say, 'Come on, he's Dominican. He's not black.' "

snip

"As African-American players, we have a theory that baseball can go get an imitator and pass them off as us," Hunter says. "It's like they had to get some kind of dark faces, so they go to the Dominican or Venezuela because you can get them cheaper. It's like, 'Why should I get this kid from the South Side of Chicago and have Scott Boras represent him and pay him $5 million when you can get a Dominican guy for a bag of chips?'

Oh, now I get it. Wait, what? MLB is buying fake black people for bags of chips to stick on the field so I'll think they're racially diverse? And Vlad Guerrero isn't black? It's total chaos. Cats and dogs living together.

Listen, I'd like to see more of the best athletes playing baseball too. Unfortunately, the popularity and immediate cash that football and basketball have to offer is hard to compete with. And you can blame it on MLB's draft process or the issues at the collegiate level or the lack of availability of parks and equipment at inner city areas. Baseball simply isn't as popular as it once was in the United States. Football is king now and basketball players get ridiculously overpaid. Isn't that right, Allan Houston? I think the Knicks are still paying him. Baseball is, however, wildly popular in the Dominican and Venezuela and they produce some of the best players in MLB.

By the way Torii, I called the 1930's and they said Vlad Guerrero is definitely black. They also want you to stop drinking out of their water fountain and get off their lawn.

MTD Predicts Oscar Winners: The Hurt Locker Edition

If there's anything I know as well as sports, it's the movies. Uh, for this post anyway. So I feel pretty qualified to make some predictions about tonight's Academy Awards. Have I seen most of the movies? No. But I did take a film class at Georgia State eight years ago and I've seen Citizen Kane close to one and a half times. Besides, I predicted last year's awards without seeing any of the movies. I correctly chose Slumdog for Best Picture and Heath Ledger for Best Supporting. Why yes, it was scary being all the way out there on that limb. I did, however, predict QT would win Best Director for Inglourious Basterds a year before he was eligible. How will I do this year? I assume poorly.

Actor in a Leading Role
Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Sure, I might not have heard of this movie but it's hard to bet against The Dude. He's the reason I drank White Russians for a month in 1998. Then I realized milk and booze is just a gross idea.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
My ability to randomly select winners might be a bit skewed here because I actually saw Inglourious Basterds. While I thought Waltz's performance was outstanding, it's important to point out he's a huge favorite and I like to knock those out of the park. Hey, look a sports reference!

Actress in a Leading Role
Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia
This movie looks downright horrendous. But to quote my prediction for Best Actress from last year...

What? Sometimes we root for old ladies. Who doesn't think the onset of arthritis is sexy?

Well said and slightly disturbing, one-year-ago me.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Mo'Nique, Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire
Somebody is going to win something for this movie. So this seems like a good time to hand out a trophy. If the award was chocolate inside, I would have had Gabourey Sidibie winning Best Actress. Too obvious? *hangs head in shame*

Directing
Quentin Tarintino, Inglourious Basterds
I realize this is a two horse race between former spouses James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow but it feels criminal to root against QT. There was just so much Nazi killing. I actually believe Kathryn Bigelow will win for The Hurt Locker.

Best Picture
The Hurt Locker
Not only was The Hurt Locker an intense and impressive movie, but it has the best shot at beating Avatar. Now I didn't see Avatar since I tend to avoid James Cameron movies like the plague. Except for that one night in the Gobi Desert but I was really drunk. Black Death humor? Pfft, screw you guys. But I've heard Avatar is pretty much a giant cliche and basically Pocohontas with blue Native Americans and in 3-D. Although my friend Justin called it the greatest effing movie ever since Transformers 2. So there's that. In conclusion, James Cameron has too much money and seems super douchey.

The Mystery Of MTD's Absence: SOLVED

I realize my lack of posting around these parts has upset both of my readers. Okay, perhaps "upset" is a bit too harsh. But rumors swirled. Did I get a sweet gig that occupied all my time? Did I come down with terminal writer's block? Did I go blind following a mishap with pinhole eclipse viewers made by a third grader?

Well, the Montreal Gazette breaks the story with my favorite headline ever, Boozy Ape Sent To Rehab...

MOSCOW - A Russian chimpanzee has been sent to rehab by zookeepers to cure the smoking and beer-drinking habits he has picked up, a popular daily reported on Friday.

snip

"The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze," the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said.

Ruining him? He needed the booze. That monkey was responsible for 86% of the original content around here. All I've been doing is punching it into HTML.

[via Deadspin]

Who Dat: The Year Of Destiny And Hangovers

While I don't expect to get the credit I deserve for the Saints winning the Super Bowl this year, I think I should at least be a footnote on their Wikipedia page. I turned this year into one of destiny, a magical ride to the Super Bowl Championship. Some of you may know that my favorite sports franchise is the oft-suffering New Orleans Saints. I haven't written much about them (or much of anything else lately) perhaps for fear of jinxing them into oblivion or because Ashley Russell gets more pageviews. Who knows. But it just so happens that this year, on let's call it a whim, I moved the MTD offices to New Orleans. I moved back just before the football season kicked off and drank the Saints through this impossible season. Coincidence? I think not. Delusions of grandeur and an unhealthy blood-alcohol level? You betcha. Now somebody go edit the Super Bowl XLIV Wikipedia page to give Monkeys Throwing Darts its rightful spot in Saints history.

It was an amazing ride and I was lucky to have moved back just in time. Even if I wasn't the deciding factor, an argument that gets even more delusional with each passing drink. I love the Saints but even I didn't realize how intensely this city loves them. In Atlanta, sports enthusiasm for the home franchises ranges anywhere from indifferent to mildly excited. That's right Fulton County, do somethin. New Orleans is absolutely obsessed with the Saints. Hell, a high school student was sent home for wearing a Colts jersey on Black and Gold appreciation day. The Who Dat Nation is that serious.

I'll spare you a recap of the game because: 1) I don't like writing them. 2) You saw the game. C) It was like 3 weeks ago, I've completely lost track of time. But I do want to leave you with K-Gates Super Bowl edition of "Black and Gold (Who Dat)", the official anthem of the Who Dat Nation. Yeah, we have have our own theme song. It's much better than Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats." That's still the Cowboys theme song, right?



Who Dat.

All White Basketball League Plans To Put The Fun Back In Fundamentals

I mean really, who hasn't been clamoring for an all white basketball league? Put your hand down, Mississippi. This has Georgia written all over it. I can't wait to see what commissioner and former pro wrestling promoter, Don "Moose" Lewis, is really up to here or if he just pulled his hood off and decided to start a basketball league. In the meantime, here's the story...

The All-American Basketball Alliance [Because Alliance just has a better Nazi-esque feel than, oh say, Association- Ed.]announced in a news release Sunday evening that it intends to start its inaugural season in June and hopes Augusta will be one of 12 cities with a team.

"Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league," the statement said.

Well sure, this makes total sense. It's still 1940, right? Sadly, I believe this racist basketball league has a better shot at sticking in Georgia than did my beloved, departed (and racy, rowr!) Atlanta Steam of the Lingerie Football League. You sooo craaazy, Bible Belt. Oh wait, it's not racist? Do tell "Moose" Lewis...

"There's nothing hatred about what we're doing," he said. "I don't hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."

Lewis said he wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of "street-ball" played by "people of color."

"People of color." Seriously, is it 1940? Because I might be late for work. Listen Moose, basketball already has a league that stresses fundamentals that nobody watches. It's called the WNBA. And with jokes like that, one day soon, I might write for the Tonight Show. Anyway, this appears to be for real but, shockingly, is being met with resistance and a lack of sponsorship. So, look for the AABA to kick off in June, sponsored by half time lynchings and Larry The Cable Guy.

Note: My Google Image search for "white basketball player" only turned up four results. So, sorry JJ Redick, wherever you are.